At some point in the past two years I have forgotten why I am headed down my current path in life. I still enjoy what I'm doing, but the fire that drove me before is gone. I realized that what I was headed for was not necessarily the course from which would derive the most satisfactory and fulfilling life.
My junior year of college will commence in approximately three weeks. I'll continue studying physics, because I love physics. I will continue to receive A's in my classes because I am good at solving physics problems. I will begin tutoring other students at the campus tutoring center because I am good at helping other students understand math and physics. And at the end of this year I will have to make a choice.
I had never even considered teaching exclusively until very recently. I had always figured that after I did research for a time I would gain a professorship and teach for a while before retiring. But I’ve realized that there is so much I want to do in life that I probably won’t go down that road.
I decided a long time ago that I wanted to research physics. In elementary school, I read everything I could get my hands on. The books I got from the library, the books my mom and sister would get from the library, textbooks for school, books recommended by teachers, all were devoured in my search for knowledge. There seemed to me to be no other pursuit more worthy than learning everything one could. Even at that age I knew that I would never learn everything, but I could sure as hell try.
The turning point came for me in sixth grade. In science class, we were doing a unit on matter. I could not believe what I was reading. The fact that we are all composed of assorted cells was old news to me, as was that fact that the cells were made of elements. But when I learned that those elements were all made of the same three particles, I was astounded. The discovery that everything is made up of the exact same building blocks triggered something in me. Could it be that at the basis of even those building blocks was something even more fundamental? (Yes, there are.) And what if there were? Could those be made up of something smaller? Did this go on forever, or did it end? Did anyone know? I resolved to know. I wanted to know what everything is made of. It was so interesting, I never questioned that there were others that would wish to know also. It was then that I decided to apply my considerable mental abilities towards the pursuit of obtaining new knowledge, and sharing it with the world. I decided to become a physicist.
I guess I was a little young to decide the pattern of future. I didn’t exactly lay out the pattern, but I certainly chose the material. Here I am almost 8 years later as a result of a decision I made at age 12, and until now, I’ve never wavered in my conviction that I was born to bring new knowledge into the world. I’ve ignored my obvious skill and enjoyment of other pursuits to pursue my goal. But now I’m a bit older, and I’d like to think that I am quite a bit wiser also. I have realized the bringing new knowledge to the world is not the only important part of science. Someone must pass on all that is already known. There must be someone to cultivate the youth to supplant those that came before. I now want to be that person also.
The joy of accomplishment is truly great. There is an amazing satisfaction in reaching something that had hitherto been incapable of being grasped. I want that. However, there is a joy altogether different in the service of others. Time spent successfully comforting a friend in pain, helping a classmate learn something that had eluded them, doing for others what they themselves cannot do; all bring a joy that is greater because it is shared. I want this too.
Well, I’ve certainly been rambling. I just read what I wrote, and the title of my article now seems inappropriate. I know exactly what I’m doing with my life. I should be asking myself a different question. Am I doing the right thing? I guess I’ll have to figure that out.
As I said earlier, there are a lot of things I would like to do. I want to research, I want to teach, I want to be an engineer, I would like to write stories, I would like to make movies, I want to learn to paint, I want to learn to play instruments, I want to learn to fly, I want to build my own home, I want to become a chef. Some of these I will be able to do. Some of them I probably won’t. If only I had more time.